Introduction
I love Lisa Chan. There is no human being I love more. We fell madly in love with each other and were married in 1994. Twenty years and five kids later, the love keeps growing. Day after day, she has stood faithfully by my side—loving me, encouraging me, and challenging me. She is my best friend. Life together has been amazing. And the best is yet to come. I’m sure of it.
Even now, I am working to make sure that my family is set up for the future. When most people make that statement, they are talking about financial security for their last few years on earth. When I say it, I’m referring to the millions of years that come after that. People accuse me of going overboard in preparing for my first ten million years in eternity. In my opinion, people go overboard in worrying about their last ten years on earth.
I have imagined what it will be like when Lisa comes face to face with God. The Bible guarantees this will actually happen. One day, my wife will stand before the Creator and Judge of all things. What a staggering moment that will be! I can’t imagine any of us being ready for the shock of that day, yet Scripture begs us to spend our lives preparing for it.
I’m not suggesting that we work to earn God’s acceptance. That would be heresy. We are welcomed into His presence if we trust in what Jesus did on the cross (John 3:16, Eph. 2:1–9, 2 Cor. 5:21). It’s His work—not ours—that determines our eternal fate. The Bible could not be more clear that good works do not earn us a spot in the kingdom; living and active faith in Jesus does. Followers of Christ can look forward to that final day with great security—even anticipation (2 Pet. 3:11–12). Nonetheless, the Bible says much about preparing for that day by “working out our salvation” (Phil. 2:12–13).
Because I am crazy about Lisa, I want her to have a great life. But more than that, I want her to have a great eternity. I want her to look back at her life without regret. I want her to be confident that the time she spent on earth prepared her for heaven. Most importantly, I want her to hear God say, “Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master” (Matt. 25:23). Think of all the awards, promotions, accolades, and accomplishments you would love to receive in your lifetime. Go crazy in imagining it all. And then answer this: Could anything be better than hearing those words from Jesus in the first moments of eternity?
A strange thing happened when Lisa and I started living with an eternal lens: it caused us to enjoy the here and now! Many people will tell you to focus on your marriage, to focus on each other; but we discovered that focusing on God’s mission made our marriage amazing. This caused us to experience Jesus deeply—what could be better?
Eternal-mindedness keeps us from silly arguments. There’s no time to fight. We have better things to pursue than our interests. Too much is at stake! God created us for a purpose. We can’t afford to waste our lives. We can’t afford to waste our marriage by merely pursuing our own happiness.
In shepherding a single congregation for 16 years, we had the pleasure of watching couples make radical decisions based on their devotion to Jesus. It was a thrill to see them catch the vision and reap the blessing. We have many sweet memories of enjoying Jesus with these godly couples.
On the flip side, we have grieved as we watched couples pursue happiness while neglecting their mission on earth. We have counseled many who were frustrated because they desired to live biblically but their spouse did not. I can’t tell you how many times we agonized for those who were missing out on God’s blessing and His intent for marriage. It is partially this sadness that compelled Lisa and I to write this book.
We are sad for the hurting couples; it breaks our hearts, actually. But we are even more brokenhearted about the effect it has on the kingdom. We are sad because godly marriages magnify God’s ingenious creation, but few marriages radiate that glory. We are sad about the victory Satan enjoys in watching couples call themselves “Christian” while living idly, living for themselves. We are devastated by how many choose divorce over obeying the King. The sad state of marriage makes the bride of Christ look dirty and unattractive. We write in hopes of changing some of this.
Recently, we have met many singles who fear marriage. They watched friends who were passionate followers of Christ get married. The result was either an obsession with the pleasures of family or an unending string of arguments and counseling sessions. We are writing to say that it doesn’t have to be this way. You can be more effective together than apart. In a truly healthy relationship, we enable each other to accomplish more than we could have done alone. This was His plan.
We are so grateful that God has allowed us to work together on this book. It is an honor for us to brag about our God together. The creation of marriage was a brilliant idea. Our prayer is that we will be able to shed some light on just how beautiful it can be.
But let me warn you. A Christ-centered and eternity-minded marriage is not the same thing as a “fun” marriage. Lisa and I have a blast together, but some of the decisions we make are painful. Yet we know they are right. Christ promises the abundant life (John 10:10), but that is not always synonymous with fun. Some of the truths we share in these pages will lead you to pain. But tough decisions made for God’s glory produce a good and right pain, a pain that believers are meant to endure in this fallen world. It’s a pain that makes us stronger, holier, more in love with God and each other. Any suffering for His sake is a constant reminder of our future where all the pain will be exchanged for glory.
There are plenty of marriage books that will teach you how to get along and be happy. This is not one of those books. I am not knocking those. In fact, we have learned some helpful principles from them over the years. The problem with those books is that they can make you feel like having a happy family is the goal of Christianity. They can make primary things like God’s glory and His mission sound secondary. They can nudge you into exchanging ultimate happiness for immediate happiness. To put it bluntly, those books don’t account for the fact that you can have a happy earthly marriage and then be miserable for all eternity. This book is about loving each other forever.
I love my wife. I love marriage. I love love. They all point to the brilliance of Jesus, who created them all. I’m guessing you are reading this book because you are either in love or hoping to be. I pray you allow the Holy Spirit to lead you into an eternal love—a love that magnifies Jesus now and forever.
Father, help us love wisely.
More Than a Book, Hopefully
Lisa and I hope that this resource will literally change your marriage and possibly your eternity. We have all read books that were good, informative, but not life changing—especially now, when information is more accessible than ever. Many of us keep a steady stream of information flowing into our brains without taking time to meditate and apply what we have already learned. For this reason, we have built in opportunities to read, meditate, and act. We want you to experience God, not just learn about Him.
As you will notice, most of the book is written from my (Francis’) voice, even though we came up with many of these ideas together. However, each chapter also contains a section that Lisa wrote on her own. In addition to writing, we also created some videos. Since Lisa and I both feel more comfortable speaking than writing, we made some fun, creative videos where we expressed thoughts that might not have translated well into print. Hopefully, the videos will enhance the lessons that we wrote as well as give you visual glimpses into our family. You can find the videos online at youandmeforever.org.
Most Importantly...
As you read through the following chapters, you will find that we conclude each chapter with a call to action. This is critical. If you fail to act on what you’re learning, this book is doing more harm than good.
"If I had not come and spoken to them, they would not have been guilty of sin, but now they have no excuse for their sin." — John 15:22
Christians in America have become experts at conviction—and failures at action. But the first Christians were quick to act. If you remember the day of Pentecost (Acts 2), the people heard Peter’s sermon and immediately asked: “What shall we do?” To which Peter answered, “Repent and be baptized.” How did they respond? Three thousand of them went straight to the water to be baptized. That’s the way it’s supposed to happen. As we get convicted by a message, we should be asking, “What should I do in response to this truth?”
We have come up with action points as suggestions, but we don’t pretend to know exactly how God is calling you to respond. If you want to know exactly what you should do, the best answer we can give is: something! While we cannot possibly know the next step for you, we can guarantee there is one. The worst thing you can do is nothing.
But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. — James 1:22
I recently read an article about the fattest people on earth—people weighing well over a thousand pounds—people who are eating themselves to death. At a certain point, they lost the ability to walk. Eventually, they were bedridden and depended on others feeding them because they could no longer even feed themselves.
It reminded me of a lot of people I find in the church. They are fed more and more knowledge every week. They attend church services, join small group Bible studies, read Christian books, listen to podcasts—and are convinced they still need more knowledge. Truth is, their biggest need is to do something. They don’t need another feast on doctrine. They need to exercise. They need to work off what they’ve already consumed. Some have become so used to consuming the Word without applying it that you wonder if they even can. These are the spiritually bedridden, resigned to spending the rest of their lives studying the Word without ever making disciples or tangibly caring for others.
These are the ones about whom James asks:
What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? — James 2:14
Sometimes people are paralyzed by fear of failure. They are so afraid that they might do the wrong thing that they do nothing. We need to learn to err on the side of action, because we tend to default to negligence. So many won’t do anything unless they hear a voice from heaven telling them precisely what to do. Why not default to action until you hear a voice from heaven telling you to wait? For example: Why not assume you should adopt kids unless you hear a voice telling you not to? Wouldn’t that seem more biblical since God has told us that true religion is to care for the widows and orphans (James 1:27)?
One reason we don’t err on the side of action is the harsh criticism we receive when we fail. People are quick to point out action that ends badly. But we rarely recognize the sin of omission. We criticize the guy who fed too much sugar to starving children rather than criticizing the thousands who fed them nothing.
The servant who buried his master’s money rather than investing it like the other servants spared himself the embarrassment of a failed business venture. But his cowardice earned him the strongest rebuke: his master called him wicked, lazy, and worthless (Matt. 25:24–30). You don’t want to be the servant who does nothing out of fear of messing up. You may well make a mistake through misguided action, but you’re guaranteed to make a mistake by doing nothing.
Lisa and I have made mistakes by acting too quickly. Like the time we met a homeless woman with three kids and pregnant with her fourth. We quickly invited them to live with us. Her kids were out of control, bringing our own kids to tears. They wreaked havoc in our home and didn’t seem to learn anything from their time with us. Then we discovered she was homeless only because she refused to follow her husband who loved her and wanted to be with her.
It might have been a mistake, but we don’t regret trying. Our lives are full of successes and failures. To us, that’s better than “playing it safe” by doing nothing. I’m sure we have made ten times as many mistakes by failing to act when we should have. So today, do something. We will all make mistakes. Err on the side of action.